Why Lord, Why? I could not believe this was happening. Haven’t I been obedient to you? Why is this happening? The pain I felt was heart-wrenching. I was scared and doubtful wondering if we had made the right decision to have the reversal and trust God with our fertility. I told my husband that we had made a mistake.
We had made the decision to have a tubal ligation because of the risks associated with multiple c-sections. All four of our children were born via c-section. I was not prepared for the regret and sadness that I would feel immediately after having a procedure that took my fertility away. I would cry and cry over the thought of never being able to become pregnant again. After much prayer and time spent studying God’s Word, we made the decision to have a reversal. On March 2nd, 2010, (2 1/2 years after my tubal ligation) my reversal was performed. Nothing compared to the peace and joy that I felt knowing that I was whole again.When we found out we were pregnant just six weeks after our reversal, we were elated and so hopeful, but two weeks later I began experiencing symptoms that I knew were not normal. We were told that it was an ectopic pregnancy. After a tubal reversal the chance for an ectopic pregnancy is slightly higher than if we would have never had the ligation to begin with. I felt to blame for our precious baby never making it to my womb. I felt confused and scared. I was starting to wonder if God really is in control.
The whole family was anticipating the baby’s arrival. Our six-year-old, Luca, was convinced it was a girl because he had “been praying for a girl for a long time.” The boys were all very upset when they found out that their little brother or sister was now in heaven. This baby was SO wanted.
I needed to turn to God’s Word. Hebrews 2:10 tells us that Jesus Christ, our great Example was “made perfect through sufferings”. The Lord wants us to rejoice in the midst of sufferings and He says if our house is built on the Rock (Jesus Christ) when (not if) “the rains come and the winds blow” (Matthew 7:25) our house will not fall.
I love this quote by Ma Ingalls from The Little House on the Prairie. “Hurt is something to measure happiness by. It’s like valleys and mountaintops….without them both the world would be flat and uninteresting.”
Losing a baby hurts. And we definitely felt lost in the valley, but I dare say that, while in the valley, I was able to truly see the beauty and awe of the mountaintops. I have such a feeling of gratefulness right now in my life. The Lord has blessed me beyond measure with four beautiful children and an amazing husband. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been. He has been such a beautiful picture of Christ to me through our loss.
The world tells us that things happen by chance and that a good God would never allow bad things to happen in our lives. As Christians, understanding that all things are under His control, that He is using our pain and suffering for His glory and that “all things work for good” (Romans 8:28) brings me such comfort. I don’t know how people live with the philosophy of “Mother nature can be so cruel.” as I was told several times this past week.
God is love and He is always good and always working in our lives. He is never deceiving us and always working to do the best for us. I recently heard the phrase “God’s Frowning Providence.” William Cowper’s hymn “God Moves In A Mysterious Way,” talks about this also. It says that behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face. Perhaps what is meant by “behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face” is that the Lord is frowning because of our sadness but smiling at the same time knowing that His perfect will is being accomplished.
By better understanding why the Lord allows frowning providences in my life, I am able to look beyond my present sufferings and see them in the light of eternity. Our lives are but a mist, here today and gone tomorrow. I pray that the Lord will use my life for His glory, and in doing that, I may better know Him.
God Moves In A Mysterious Way
By William Cowper
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.