Challies: My Wife’s Plea to Christian Men

greener grass

[Editor’s note: First, with regards to “False Messages,” if you take the time to read “False Messages,” and I hope you do, I think you’ll find it rewarding as well as great insight into this article by Aileen Challies. I do want to make a couple notes however. One is on the point of men feeling rejection. Women feel it to. Women make huge investments too and are often retorted, belittled, and misunderstood. We can understand what they are going through. Also, while Aileen Challies is speaking only about the sexual aspect of marriage, the conflict she outlines so well happens in other areas of marriage as well. We can show rejection of our loved ones in more ways than one and so can men. So, please don’t react to what she’s saying. She’s done a great job of making the principle clear. It’s excellent wisdom, so please be gracious understanding she’s teaching in only one context. 

It is often the case that rejection happens over other things too within relationships and by the time evening rolls around and requests are made, they can be viewed as the last straw. She doesn’t deny this, but she doesn’t point it out either because this is a book on the sexual aspect of relationships. That’s all. She’s not saying, he’s perfect and the problem lies only with you. Let’s be sensible. Every women needs to be careful not to misunderstand, misconstrue the actions, words and intentions of others. This is a good aim. Feminism drives itself forward on such things but it is an dead-end path that can’t out run the obligations God has for all mankind of loving one’s neighbor as oneself. (Matt. 22:36.–40)

False Messages,” makes a great insightful point. But it’s not the be all fix all of marriage troubles. If you have serious marriage troubles, manipulation, abuse, etc., no amount of pleasing him in this one way is going to change him. Don’t use it as a bandaid. It’s not a replacement for falling upon grace, doing the work of repentance and growing in sanctification. Let’s be very clear on that point. Don’t confuse what is being said here.

Some men want to delight in their wives and are super sensitive, selfless, and thoughtful men, but they only find rejection, unprovoked by anything they’ve done. This is why when we talk about feminism here we talk about it as a root sin all women have a propensity towards. To be independent, empowered, and controlling, seeking to undermine men, supplanting the place God has given them.

Some men want to delight in and be honored, admired by their wives and many other women too. There’s an infidelity of the heart issue in cases like these and no amount of pleasing him as outlined in “False Messages” is going to fix that. He needs to repent and be faithful. Moving on.

Second point directed at this article link to below, we don’t usually direct our messages to men. So, this article is not the norm for us. We honor their wonderful accomplishments, their created design, the role God has given them and so on with praise and highlighting them in our Responsible Manhood section. But this one is different. It’s a great example of womanhood and so women out to read it. As she covers the history of her involvement, I pray women will see just what a dedication Titus 2 woman is. But it’s also a respectful, heartfelt, appeal to men and certainly not out of place in any way. Aileen Challies has dedicated her time and energy for years to helping women love their husbands as Titus 2 tells her to. She’s invested in the lives of so many and men have been the benefactors. She is rightfully asking for help of them. Not denying women’s failings but asking for mutual faithfulness in the body of Christ. I pray that men who treasure faithfulness to God above all else will find her appeal to them worthy of being held up and honored. As brothers and sisters in Christ, the greatest thing we can ask of one another is greater faithfulness. It is selfless to ask for it. It should humble us, guide us, and remind us of our greatest treasure, aligning our focus on eternity. With that…Mrs. Challies]

Over the weekend I could see that Aileen had something on her mind. We spoke and she told me about reading the news, about seeing more Christian men fall into scandal, and, in the face of it all, her confusion, her despair, the crumbling of her hope. I asked if she would write about it. Here is what she said.

How long ago was it now? Was it ten years? Twelve? How long has it been since I faced it for the first time? It was a whispered rumor here, a shaded suggestion there. Then it was the devastated wife weeping in my basement as I tried desperately to draw on some wisdom, some biblical truth, that would help her. Little did I know, all those years ago, that this was simply the tip of the iceberg. But I had hope.

Six years ago, Tim wrote Sexual Detox, and I followed up with False Messages. The number of letters we received shocked us—heart-breaking, soul-crushing emails from guilty men and women married to unfaithful husbands. I wrestled and fought to understand it all from a biblical perspective. Why do so many men, and even so many Christian men, have such weakness when it comes to sexual sin? But even then I still had hope, hope in the truth of the gospel, hope in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Read the rest here


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